anniversaries

it is 8 weeks since my total hysterectomy.

my first time in a hospital since my suicide attempt 2 years ago.

5 days ago, i got to have an awkward, nervous, sweet "first time".

yesterday, after 3 years of therapy, i completed processing the time the hospital security guard raped me; my first time having sex. i was 15.

3 years ago on St. Patrick's Day, i learned that the hospital security guard who raped me, who later became a police officer, was caught by Chris Hanson, soliciting a 15 year old.

St. Patrick's Day was two days ago.

i want to reflect just on how these past 8 weeks have gone, but this web comes to mind first. there's always an anniversary and a web.

recovery, from the hysterectomy, up until this point has been unrestricted. and unstructured. i've tried to just listen to my body/mind and appease. but now i'm recognizing that it might be turning into languishing. so i want to begin to structure the next 2 weeks, then the next two, then the remainder of the summer. i'm better with a routine.

right now, i am incapable of doing more than about 3 vertical activities outside of my bed; showering, preparing food, & picking up the kids from school. anything more will spike my heart rate. since increasing my hrt 1 week ago, the spikes are now only in the low 100s. the last weeks were in the 130s & 140s.

so i've been in the activity zone for longer periods, which is equally as fatiguing as the short but higher spikes. i'm learning how to use my tools to better monitor & rest intentionally frequently.

so the schedule for the next two weeks needs to be hour by hour, to see what i am able to safely, slowly do. i want to maintain that for the proceeding two weeks. then open up gradually to more activities; the studio, driving longer distances, reading, & focused learning.

at some point, i need to determine if i am able to go back to teaching in the fall & what accommodations might be necessary.